The Little Things That Can Eventually Destroy a Marriage.
Some marriages do not collapse because of one enormous event. They collapse under the accumulated weight of little things that were repeatedly dismissed as unimportant.
A disrespectful comment.
Another night of unnecessary distance.
Another meal eaten alone.
Another attempt at conversation ignored.
Another intimate approach rejected without explanation.
Another decision that communicates, “What you feel does not really matter to me.”
None of these things, standing alone, necessarily destroys a marriage.
But when they become a pattern, something begins to happen beneath the surface.
Affection becomes frustration.
Frustration becomes resentment.
Resentment becomes withdrawal.
Withdrawal becomes emotional distance.
And eventually two people who still live in the same house can begin living completely separate lives.
This is one reason we must learn not to despise the “little things” in marriage.
A Man May Not Ask for Much — But What Matters to Him Matters Deeply
There is a popular saying that men do not understand women.
As a man, I would add something to that conversation:
Women do not always understand men either.
This is not an accusation against women. Neither men nor women should assume that they automatically understand how the other experiences marriage.
Men and women are individuals, so we must be careful about sweeping generalisations. Nevertheless, there are husbands whose deepest marital needs are surprisingly simple.
He wants to know that his wife respects him.
He wants to know that she desires him.
He wants peace in his home.
He wants companionship.
He wants affection.
He wants to know that his contribution matters.
He wants to come home and feel that he has come home.
These things may appear small to somebody else.
They may not be small to him.
And one of the dangerous mistakes in marriage is deciding that because something is unimportant to me, it must therefore be unimportant to you.
Love learns what matters to the other person.
God Places Serious Responsibility on the Husband
The Bible does not give a husband headship so that he can become a dictator.
Biblical headship comes with enormous responsibility.
Ephesians 5:25–29 says:
“Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,
That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.
So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.
For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:”
— Ephesians 5:25–29 KJV
Notice the standard.
Christ.
The husband’s model is not domination but sacrifice.
He is expected to love.
To nourish.
To cherish.
To protect.
To provide responsibly for his household.
To lead spiritually.
To help raise his children in the ways of God.
Scripture says:
“But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel.”
— 1 Timothy 5:8 KJV
And concerning children:
“And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.”
— Ephesians 6:4 KJV
God therefore places weighty responsibilities upon a man.
But there is another side that Christians should not be afraid to discuss.
The man carrying responsibility also needs a healthy marital environment in which to live, love and lead.
Honour Is Not a Small Thing to a Husband
The same passage that commands husbands to love their wives also says:
“Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.”
— Ephesians 5:33 KJV
That word matters.
Respect matters.
Honour matters.
A husband can survive disagreement. A healthy man does not need his wife to agree with everything he says.
But disagreement and dishonour are not the same thing.
You can disagree without humiliating.
You can correct without belittling.
You can express disappointment without contempt.
You can challenge a decision without attacking the dignity of the person who made it.
Repeated ridicule, insults, dismissiveness, eye-rolling, public embarrassment and contempt are not harmless marital habits.
Relationship research strongly supports the seriousness of this. John Gottman’s research identifies contempt—communicating disgust, superiority, mockery or disrespect—as particularly destructive to relationships and a powerful predictor of divorce. (The Gottman Institute)
The Bible did not need modern psychology to discover that honour matters.
It was already there.
Intimacy Is Not a Weapon
Then there is the subject Christians sometimes become uncomfortable discussing:
Sexual intimacy.
A husband should never coerce his wife sexually. Marriage is not permission for abuse, force or disregard for another person’s physical or emotional wellbeing.
But the opposite error should also be confronted.
Sexual intimacy should not become a weapon of punishment, manipulation or control.
The Bible’s teaching is remarkably mutual.
“Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.
The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.
Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.”
— 1 Corinthians 7:3–5 KJV
Notice something important.
Paul does not place the obligation on the woman alone.
“Likewise also the husband.”
Christian marital intimacy is reciprocal.
There will naturally be occasions when intimacy is impossible or inappropriate—illness, childbirth and recovery, exhaustion, trauma, emotional distress, medical difficulties and many other legitimate circumstances.
Love understands those seasons.
But deliberately and habitually withholding affection or intimacy to punish or control a spouse is something different.
A marriage cannot continually reject vulnerability and still expect closeness to flourish.
Sometimes It Really Is About the Food — But It Is Also Bigger Than the Food
Suppose a man returns home hungry and repeatedly discovers that he has to fend for himself.
Is cooking automatically the wife’s biblical responsibility?
No.
Families organise responsibilities differently. In some homes the wife cooks. In others the husband cooks. In many homes they share the responsibility.
So the deeper issue is not:
“A wife must cook because she is a woman.”
The deeper question is:
Do we care for one another?
A plate of food can communicate something much bigger than food:
I thought about you.
I knew you would be tired.
I knew you would be hungry.
I wanted to take care of you.
The same principle works in the opposite direction.
A husband who notices that his exhausted wife has had a difficult day and prepares dinner for her is not diminishing his headship.
He is demonstrating love.
Marriage thrives on these apparently little acts of consideration.
The Dangerous Sentence: “It Is Not a Big Deal”
Be very careful whenever your spouse repeatedly tells you that something hurts and your answer is:
“It is not a big deal.”
Perhaps it isn’t a big deal to you.
But you are not married only to yourself.
If your husband repeatedly says, “The way you speak to me hurts me,” listen.
If your wife repeatedly says, “I don’t feel loved by you anymore,” listen.
If your husband says, “I feel rejected,” listen.
If your wife says, “I feel alone,” listen.
If either spouse says, “We hardly talk anymore,” something requires attention.
Research on marital conflict describes a destructive demand-withdraw pattern in which one partner pushes for engagement or change while the other increasingly retreats. Studies associate these cycles with greater negative emotion, poorer conflict resolution and lower relationship satisfaction. Importantly, research has observed the pattern in both directions—husband pursuing/wife withdrawing and wife pursuing/husband withdrawing. (PubMed Central (PMC))
That is significant.
Because this is not fundamentally a “men versus women” problem.
It is a marriage problem.
Catastrophes Often Have Histories
When a marriage eventually reaches crisis, people sometimes focus only on the final event.
An affair.
A separation.
An explosive argument.
A husband who no longer comes home early.
A wife who says she no longer loves her husband.
Divorce papers.
But sometimes the catastrophe is only the final chapter of a story that has been developing quietly for years.
That does not excuse adultery, abuse, abandonment or other sinful behaviour.
Being neglected does not give anyone permission to sin.
A husband cannot say, “My wife rejected me, therefore adultery was justified.”
No.
A wife cannot say, “My husband did not understand me, therefore my affair was justified.”
No.
Every person remains accountable before God for his or her choices.
But wisdom asks another question:
What was happening in this marriage before everything exploded?
Were warnings ignored?
Were needs mocked?
Was communication abandoned?
Had contempt become normal?
Had affection disappeared?
Had forgiveness stopped?
Had husband and wife gradually become strangers?
Research following married couples over time has found that withdrawal and destructive interaction patterns can be associated with declining marital satisfaction and eventual divorce, although individual studies differ on the strength of particular predictors. (PubMed Central (PMC))
Homes usually need attention long before they need emergency intervention.
Husband, Headship Does Not Mean You Are Always Right
There is also a warning for men.
You cannot demand respect while behaving irresponsibly.
You cannot quote “wives, submit yourselves” while ignoring “husbands, love your wives.”
You cannot demand intimacy while giving your wife no affection.
You cannot demand peace while creating fear.
You cannot demand honour while humiliating her.
You cannot call yourself the provider while deliberately refusing responsibilities you are capable of carrying.
And you cannot use “I am the head of this home” to silence legitimate concerns.
Jesus is the model for Christian leadership.
And Christ gave Himself.
Biblical headship should make a wife feel cherished, not crushed.
Wife, Never Underestimate What Your Honour Means to Your Husband
Likewise, a wife should not underestimate the power she carries in her husband’s life.
Your words can strengthen him.
Your confidence can encourage him.
Your affection can reassure him.
Your honour can put strength into him.
Your companionship can make home a place he longs to return to.
This does not mean pretending that he has no faults.
It does not mean remaining silent about sin.
It does not mean tolerating abuse.
It means understanding that honour and correction can coexist.
You can confront something that is wrong without destroying the person you are confronting.
Learn Your Spouse
Perhaps instead of endlessly repeating that “men don’t understand women,” we should admit something more fundamental:
Human beings do not automatically understand one another.
Marriage requires learning.
Husband, study your wife.
What makes her feel secure?
What makes her feel loved?
What frightens her?
What exhausts her?
What communicates affection to her?
Wife, study your husband.
What communicates honour to him?
What makes him feel rejected?
What encourages him?
What makes him withdraw?
What makes him feel wanted?
What makes home feel like home to him?
Peter gives husbands an important instruction:
“Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.”
— 1 Peter 3:7 KJV
“According to knowledge.”
In other words, learn the person you married.
Do not merely learn “men.”
Do not merely learn “women.”
Learn your husband.
Learn your wife.
Deal With the Little Things While They Are Still Little
A healthy marriage requires maintenance.
Talk before silence becomes normal.
Apologise before resentment hardens.
Forgive before bitterness takes root.
Restore affection before distance becomes comfortable.
Discuss sexual difficulties instead of weaponising them.
Talk about responsibilities instead of silently keeping score.
Seek pastoral or professional help before the marriage reaches breaking point.
And never become too proud to ask your spouse:
“Is there something I have been doing—or failing to do—that is hurting you?”
Then listen without immediately defending yourself.
James 1:19 says:
“Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:”
— James 1:19 KJV
That single practice could rescue many homes.
Marriage Should Not Become a Competition Over Who Is Suffering More
The husband says:
“She doesn’t respect me.”
The wife says:
“He doesn’t love me.”
He says:
“She rejects me.”
She says:
“He doesn’t listen to me.”
He withdraws because he feels dishonoured.
She withdraws because she feels unloved.
He becomes colder.
She becomes more critical.
He retreats further.
She becomes more frustrated.
And eventually both people are waiting for the other person to change first.
Someone must break the cycle.
Preferably both.
Christian marriage cannot survive indefinitely on:
“I will love you when you respect me.”
or:
“I will respect you when you love me.”
Somebody must obey God.
Do Not Wait Until the House Is Burning
Song of Solomon gives us a powerful picture:
“Take us the foxes, the little foxes, that spoil the vines: for our vines have tender grapes.”
— Song of Solomon 2:15 KJV
It is often the little foxes.
The repeated sarcasm.
The unresolved offence.
The disappearing affection.
The constant rejection.
The absence of appreciation.
The careless words.
The neglected conversation.
The unwillingness to apologise.
The assumption that your spouse will simply “get over it.”
One little fox may not destroy the vineyard.
But leave enough of them unattended for long enough and there may eventually be very little vineyard left.
So protect your marriage while there is still something small to address.
Husband, love your wife.
Wife, honour your husband.
Husband and wife, care for each other.
Talk.
Touch.
Listen.
Pray together.
Laugh again.
Eat together when you can.
Protect your intimacy.
Raise your children before God.
Forgive quickly.
Never use affection as a weapon.
Never use Scripture as a weapon.
And never dismiss something that repeatedly hurts your spouse simply because you think it is small.
Because in marriage, some of the things that look very small from the outside are carrying enormous meaning on the inside.
Strong marriages are not built only through the great things spouses do for one another.
Very often, they are preserved by faithfully doing the little things—and refusing to allow the little foxes to remain until they destroy the vine.
— Cornelius Bella
