Sometimes a married man is asked:
“Who is your ideal woman?”
What qualities would she have?
What kind of appearance would attract you?
What personality would she possess?
What standards would she have to meet before you could say, “This is the woman for me”?
I have thought about that question carefully.
Not casually.
I have searched my heart, with my mind fully engaged, and I have considered it from the depth of my spirit.
And my answer is simple:
My ideal woman is my wife.
My lawfully wedded wife.
My destiny companion.
The mother of my children.
The woman with whom I have shared covenant, seasons, sacrifices, laughter, responsibilities, prayers, battles, victories, growth, mistakes, forgiveness, dreams and life.
If you ask me today what parameters I would use to define the woman I want, I do not need to create an imaginary woman somewhere in my mind.
I already know her.
I married her.
The danger of the imaginary “ideal”
One of the quiet dangers in marriage is comparing a real spouse with an imaginary person.
The imaginary woman never gets tired.
She never misunderstands you.
She always looks perfect.
She agrees with your decisions.
She has no weaknesses.
She carries no emotional scars.
She never has a difficult day.
And because she exists only in the imagination, she never has the opportunity to disappoint you.
But marriage is not lived with an imaginary person.
Marriage is lived with a real human being.
A woman with strengths and weaknesses.
A woman who is growing.
A woman who sometimes needs encouragement.
A woman who has stood beside you while you were also growing, changing, learning and becoming.
The question therefore should not merely be:
“Could I find someone better?”
A mature married man should ask:
“Do I recognise the treasure God has already placed beside me?”
My wife has something no other woman can possess
There may be women who are more accomplished in one area.
There may be women who are more gifted in another.
There may be women who possess qualities society celebrates.
But none of them has what my wife has.
She is my wife.
That position is not available for competition.
Marriage creates a covenant distinction.
The Bible says:
“Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD.” — Proverbs 18:22 KJV
Notice the language.
He finds a wife.
Not a perpetual shortlist.
Not an endless comparison.
Not a woman who must continue competing against every new person he encounters.
Marriage should bring an end to the audition.
When I said “I do,” I was not saying:
“I choose you until someone more impressive comes along.”
I was saying:
“I choose you.”
Ideal does not mean perfect
When I say my wife is my ideal woman, I am not claiming that she is flawless.
Neither am I.
Marriage is not the union of two perfect people.
It is the covenant of two people who continually allow God to shape them.
My wife does not need to be perfect to be perfect for the assignment God has joined us to fulfil together.
There are things we have learnt together.
There are areas where we have both matured.
There are seasons in which one of us has had to carry the other.
That is part of the beauty of covenant.
You do not merely admire the finished product.
You participate in each other’s becoming.
The woman who has walked the road with you matters
There is something profound about shared history.
The woman who knew you before some of your achievements.
The woman who prayed with you when answers had not yet appeared.
The woman who carried responsibilities when circumstances were difficult.
The woman who celebrated small beginnings.
The woman who raised children with you.
The woman who has seen both your strength and your vulnerability.
The woman who stayed while both of you were becoming.
That history cannot simply be replaced by novelty.
A new person may appear exciting because you have never shared bills, responsibilities, sleepless nights, parenting decisions, disappointments or difficult conversations with them.
You are comparing somebody’s presentation with your spouse’s entire reality.
That is not a fair comparison.
Attraction must mature into appreciation
Physical attraction matters in marriage.
But attraction that survives only on appearance will eventually become restless.
Bodies change.
Age comes.
Circumstances change.
Pregnancy changes bodies.
Stress changes people.
Illness can change appearances.
Life leaves evidence on all of us.
But mature love begins to see beauty differently.
You begin to see beauty in loyalty.
Beauty in sacrifice.
Beauty in kindness.
Beauty in wisdom.
Beauty in prayer.
Beauty in resilience.
Beauty in the woman who has repeatedly chosen the family.
Beauty in the person whose hand you have held through different chapters of life.
That kind of beauty becomes deeper with time.
Marriage should retrain your eyes
A married man must discipline not only his actions but also his imagination.
The world constantly presents alternatives.
Social media presents carefully selected images.
Workplaces introduce us to intelligent, attractive and accomplished people.
Travel expands our exposure.
But exposure must never become comparison.
Scripture says:
“Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth.” — Proverbs 5:18 KJV
That word is powerful:
Rejoice.
Marriage requires intentional rejoicing.
Intentional appreciation.
Intentional admiration.
Intentional remembrance of why this person matters.
Sometimes the grass appears greener elsewhere because someone stopped watering the garden they already have.
My wife is not competing with anyone
My wife does not need to compete with another woman for the title of “ideal woman” in my life.
That position is already occupied.
By covenant.
By choice.
By shared destiny.
By history.
By love.
By family.
By the grace of God.
And this is something married people must understand:
Your spouse should feel chosen, not merely retained.
There is a difference.
Nobody wants to live in a marriage wondering whether they would still be selected if their spouse could start again.
Your husband or wife should be able to hear you say:
“Knowing what I know now, having walked the road we have walked, I still choose you.”
If I were asked to choose again
If someone placed before me a long list of qualities and asked:
“What kind of woman would you want?”
I would not begin with height.
I would not begin with complexion.
I would not begin with profession.
I would not begin with social status.
I would begin with the woman God has already allowed me to know deeply.
The woman whose strengths I have witnessed.
Whose weaknesses I understand.
Whose heart I know.
Whose prayers I have heard.
Whose sacrifices I have seen.
Whose children I father.
Whose life has become intertwined with mine.
My wife.
A word to married men
Sir, protect your marriage from comparison.
Do not make another man’s wife the standard by which you judge your own.
Do not allow social media to convince you that another woman possesses everything your wife lacks.
You do not know her full story.
You do not know her private struggles.
And you certainly do not know what living with her would actually be like.
Instead, study your wife again.
Notice her.
Appreciate her.
Speak well of her.
Celebrate her strengths.
Help her in her weaknesses.
Pray for her.
Grow with her.
Date her again.
Laugh with her again.
Listen to her again.
And remember the woman behind all the responsibilities she carries.
And a word to wives
The same principle applies in the other direction.
Your husband should not be endlessly compared with another woman’s husband.
Every marriage has areas of strength and areas requiring growth.
Covenant flourishes where comparison dies and gratitude grows.
The greatest romance may simply be choosing again
Perhaps one of the most powerful things a husband can say after many years of marriage is not merely:
“I love you.”
But:
“I still choose you.”
Not because there are no other women in the world.
But because among all the women in the world, you are my wife.
My covenant partner.
My destiny companion.
The mother of my children.
The woman with whom God has allowed me to build a life.
So when someone asks me:
“Who is your ideal woman?”
My answer does not require long contemplation.
I have already found her.
I have already married her.
And by the grace of God, I intend to keep recognising, honouring, loving and choosing her.
My ideal woman is my wife.
And after all these years, that is not merely a romantic statement.
It is a covenant decision.
“What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.” — Matthew 19:6 KJV
Cornelius Bella, The Message Bearer
